#10: Who Am I?

For a long time I really struggled with knowing who I was. I got to a point where I forgot who I was. It was a long journey to find myself. Then I started working with a group that was all about changing your mindset. So I dived in and learned all I could. I was like a sponge, soaking up all this information. Then came the fun part. Applying it to me and my life. Applying it to my way of thinking. I realized that I couldn't be who I wanted to be if I didn't recognize the things I was. How can you be something if you don't know what you want to be? How can you attain a goal if you don't have one yet? And so I decided to make a list of who I thought I was. For a while it was a blank page, I put a lot into seriously thinking about this. And in the beginning my mindset was, "What do I need to change in my life to make me a better person? To make me wonderful? To make me somebody to be loved?"

What I learned, however, is that I was already those things. The negative, the things I hated at the time, was like a coat that I just simply needed to take off. The positive was already there. Granted it still took a lot of work to take away things I didn't like, but it gave me a new outlook. It gave me hope. How easy is it to just take something off. Imagine carrying weights on your arm. Is it simpler to just remove some instead of adding more on?

Here is my list of the things I believe I am. Try writing one yourself. It will be an eye opener for you. It will give you quite a bit of encouragement to continue facing each day with courage. And it really doesn't matter who else sees what you are. All that really matters is how YOU see who you are.

• I am love. I have to be love because I love people.
• I am fun. I love to be with people and I have a good sense of humor.
• I am strong. I have been able to master many trials and challenges in my life.
• I am life. I am here, breathing, heart beating. I can share my life and I can give life to people.
• I am good. I have the gift and power to be like Christ.
• I am my goals. My goals created the person I want and need to be.
• I am my feelings of positive self-worth. I am who I have created.
• I am a piece of artwork. my life is a canvas. I have had the opportunity to paint over anything I do not want to stay. It is still there, but nobody knows it unless I tell them. It's like a little boy painted in a tree in a picture. And then an artist painting leaves over the tree. Nobody can see him, but he's still there.
• I am beautiful. I can use my beauty to create beautiful things.
• I am brave. I can face things that aren't always fun to face, but I can do it anyway.
• I am light. I can make the way brighter for myself and for other people who are searching for their light. I can light their candle, and still keep my light too. They will be able to share it with others.

I wrote this list in 2008. Two years later, I have learned much more about myself. If I were to write a new list, I would imagine it would be pages longer. I am glad I know who I am.

The World And Me

Here is a poem I wrote in 2007. This knowledge is a culmination of quite a few years of struggling and working very hard to reach what I felt I should be.

*The world would say I can never be normal. I believe that normal is whatever I decide it is.
*The world says would call me a victim. I call myself a survivor.
*The world says I am weak when I fall. I say I am stronger when I get back up.
*The world says pain can never be a gift. I say it's one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given.
*The world says a wounded heart can never heal. I say a wounded heart knows how to love more fully.
*The world says I will forever live my life in fear. I say I am one of the most brave people I know.
*The world says that life is a dark, scary place. I am using my light to make it brighter.
*The world says that his is a dark, cold place to be in. But beautiful things come from the dark.
*The world says I don't have a chance. I say I have every chance in the world.
*The world defines failure as falling down. I define failure as staying down.
*The world says that to be able to love myself, I must get it from others first. But I believe that I must love myself to be able to receive it from others.
*The world defines forgiveness as letting go of the hurt. I define forgiveness as unconditionally loving the person who hurt you.
*The world believes in conditional love. I believe in unconditional love.
*The world believes in changing who you are to fit a certain set of standards. I believe in accepting me for me and creating my own set of standards.
*The world believes I deserve what I get. I believe I get what I deserve.
*The world believes in mastery of others. I believe in mastery of self.
*The world believes in creating war. I believe in creating love.
*The world believes that life is what it is. I believe that life is what I make it.
*The world believes in remaining wounded. I believe in healing and that recovery is possible.
*The world says that having strength is having power over people. I believe that real strength is being gentle.
*The world believes that perfection is having no pain, no problems, no wounds, no scars, no sorrows. I believe that excellence is working through the pain, working through the problems, healing the wounds, accepting the scars, and turning the sorrow in to joy.
*The world believes that there is no purpose to life. I believe in creating a purpose for life.
*The world sees life in black and white. I paint my life any color that I want it.
*The world believes that what you get makes a life. I believe that what you give makes a life.
*The world believes in control. I believe in influence.
*The world believes in sameness. I believe in greatness.
I wrote this poem on February 3, 2008 while on a peer mentor retreat. During this retreat I made some of my biggest chinks up and as a result this poem came to light. I read it while we were doing our processing, not intending it to be a peom. This has some of my biggest life lessons contained in it.