I have discovered, which I am sure many of you have, that you cannot fight a problem, because you cannot win. This is so true. You cannot win, AND fighting the problem actually fuels the problem. I don't think a lot of people are aware of the psycho-dynamics behind fighting their problems, otherwise they wouldn't be doing it. Here is a rudimentary explanation.
1) We don't feel worthy of love, and thus CHOOSE to deny ourselves of it, and thus don't feel a state of perfect love. Contentment. Peace. Thus we all feel lack, and this lack of love is psychologically devastating. Thus we ALL seek to fill this lack. Many do it with food, some do it with drugs, alcohol, sex, money, fame, material possessions, busy-ness, specialness, sickness (to get attention)...you name it. The forms are legion. Some are simply more socially acceptable than others, but that's what everybody's doing when you stop to look around. Many of us attempt to fill this perceived lack of love with more than one strategy. Thus we come to equate that which we're using to fill the lack with love. E.g. we equate food with love.
2) If you go back to the beginning of #1, you'll see we don't feel worthy of love. So it follows we don't feel worthy of that which we've now equated with (the substitute) love. We don't feel worthy of food, for instance. But we continue to eat because, psychologically, we are desperately compelled to fill this overwhelming sense of lack. It's a catch-22. I need food to substitute for my lack of love (that I'm denying myself), but I don't feel worth of food. So I eat, but I feel terribly guilty.
3) The guilt exacerbates and intensifies my sense of lack of love (because guilt is NOT love), and so now I need more love. I need more food, but now I have more guilt. So now I need even more food. But now I have even guilt...it's a vicious cycle, literally, because it was built on viciousness - denying oneself love isn't kind, it is vicious.
This is why substitutes for love don't work! They are based on the premise we didn't deserve love in the first place, and thus needed a substitute. But the substitute is doomed to failure because we won't feel we deserve that either. And now we're stealing what we didn't deserve in the first place. This means more guilt.
I like simplicity, so here is a simple way to look at anything in your life:
Let's say the root of any problem is a lack of love. The solution would be to supply the lack, to supply the love. So the only thing that could ever be lacking in any situation is LOVE.
You would never say, 'You know what we're lacking here people? Condemnation! Of Course! That's the missing link! More condemnation!
So it's important to be clear, condemnation is not love. Condemnation is not the solution - it doesn't supply the lack, it perpetuates the sense of lack. When you find yourself judging yourself in any number of different forms, if you then judge yourself for having judged yourself again, that would only continue the problem. The answer then would be to NOT judge yourself for judging yourself. This is what breaks the chain. And the way to do this is to look upon your judgement without trying to change it. Simply observe it.
If you try to change it, you're saying it's bad, and something must be done about it. THIS IS A JUDGEMENT! Instead, just observe it. 'Hey, look I just judged myself again. Interesting.' Not good, not bad, just interesting. Something to take note of. Something to notice. But not something to do anything with. As soon as you start to do anything with it, you're continuing it (judging) by having judged it. You are attacking your attack. This is not the way to end the attack. When you cease to attack your attack it will become less and less powerful until it holds little attraction for you.
This is a psychological circle that is hard to see, and most people don't which is why most people only reinforce their self-condemnation and presenting problems when the attack their attack. That's part of the psycho-dynamics behind why we do what we do, and hopefully this will help convince you what I'm talking about is not pop phychology. It's as deep down as it gets...guilt is the psychological experience of having denied ourselves love.
Another way of saying all of this is that the only problem is a lack of love, and once love is supplied the problem is solved. So love would be healing. Anything else would not be healing, and thus would be adding to the problem not the solution. You can't do this with a substitute, because the substitute isn't love, it's what you're using to psychologically appease the pain of the belief you're not worthy of love, and therefore protects the very premise, or cause, which is the sickness/problem.
Look at it like this: You have a headache because you're dehydrated from denying yourself water (love). So now you need something to offset the pain of lack of water (love). You take Tylenol (substitute) instead of giving yourself the water (love) that you need. The Tylenol seems to work, but only temporarily, because it only treats the symptoms. You're so busy taking the sustitute (tylenol) that you're not looking at the real problem - lack of water (lack of love). Soon the headache comes back but now it's even worse because you have gone longer without water and the problem has intensified. So now you need more Tylenol just to get by, but while you're doing that you're becoming even more dehydrated. This is why we need more and more food, or more and more of whatever substitute we're using. This is how people become addicted to anything - food, fame, drugs, alcohol, denial, victimhood, sickness, disempowerment, anger, sadness, hopelessness, new clothes, new furnishings, stamps, coins, cars, cats, self-help books, sex, career, tv watching, exercise, muscles, plastic surgery...you name it.
So, find a way around the obstacle, like a river running downhill. If you train your mind to look without judgement, eventually there won't even be an obstacle to go around. This is like Neo in the Matrix when he comes upon the little boy who is bending spoons...as Neo tries to bend the spoon with will power, the little boy tells him, 'do not try to bend the spoon. This is impossible. Instead, only try and realize the truth.'
Neo: 'What truth?'
Little boy: 'There is no spoon (obstacle) Then you'll see it is not the spoon that bends, only yourself.'
You will need to bend, or change the way you think, and in this instance that means changing the default position of your mind from judgement to non-judgement....the belief that there even is an obstacle, a problem to be judged (weight, eating, lack of self-control). Without judgement the problem will disappear. It seems impossible to your present thinking, but give the 'success' of your present thinking, you would want a solution outside your present system. This way of thinking is paradox, but that's why it works...because it's the complete opposite of that which doesn't work and has never worked.
Later in the movie, Neo is taught this same idea again:
Neo: 'What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets (obstacles)?'
Morpheus: 'No Neo. I'm telling you that when you're ready, you won't have to.'
Initally it means little to him. It's only later that, through patience, that he finally gets it, and it's the crescendo of the movie. 'Neo awakens.' Neo gets it. Neo is in charge. Where before he was a slave, he has learned to think differently. He remembers he's the boss. He's the puppet master. He's the cause.
At first he seems to aquire the ability to dodge the bullets at superhuman speed, or slow the bullets down, but ultimately he recognizes them as nothing. And then they simply drop to the floor in front of him. They could never harm him, he only thought they could.
The name Morpheus means change, or more precisely in the context of this movie: changing the way you think. Neo means new, or in the movie: a new way of thinking and perceiving. We're all Neos in need of a Morpheus.
♥ The kindest and most loving thing you can do for yourself now, while you still believe in bullets (overeating, shame, etc.) is to take measures to protect yourself. Dodge the bullets, put salve on your wounds. But all the while you are doing this, consider it a training program, and as much as you can, when you can, as often as you are willing, look at your present way of thinking and your present choices - the very premise and foundation upon which they are built - without judgement. Without the obstacle of judgement love will simply flow through your mind and extend out to everyone and everything you see. Eventually the bullets will fall to the floor in front of you. You will recognize that the power of choice, the power to love or condemn, is your own...and which one you want will surely become obvious.
