Journal Entry#8

What does this quote mean to you? “All that a man achieves and all that he fails to achieve is the direct result of his own thoughts” -James Allen

Journal Entry #7

What does it mean to be brave?

Journal Entry #6

What is your favorite quote, and why?

Journal Entry #5

What does it mean to "Leave it better than you found it?" What do you do to leave things better?

Journal Entry #4

What does love mean to you?

Journal Entry #3

What does forgiveness mean to you?

The Silver Bullet

I have discovered, which I am sure many of you have, that you cannot fight a problem, because you cannot win. This is so true. You cannot win, AND fighting the problem actually fuels the problem. I don't think a lot of people are aware of the psycho-dynamics behind fighting their problems, otherwise they wouldn't be doing it. Here is a rudimentary explanation.

1) We don't feel worthy of love, and thus CHOOSE to deny ourselves of it, and thus don't feel a state of perfect love. Contentment. Peace. Thus we all feel lack, and this lack of love is psychologically devastating. Thus we ALL seek to fill this lack. Many do it with food, some do it with drugs, alcohol, sex, money, fame, material possessions, busy-ness, specialness, sickness (to get attention)...you name it. The forms are legion. Some are simply more socially acceptable than others, but that's what everybody's doing when you stop to look around. Many of us attempt to fill this perceived lack of love with more than one strategy. Thus we come to equate that which we're using to fill the lack with love. E.g. we equate food with love.

2) If you go back to the beginning of #1, you'll see we don't feel worthy of love. So it follows we don't feel worthy of that which we've now equated with (the substitute) love. We don't feel worthy of food, for instance. But we continue to eat because, psychologically, we are desperately compelled to fill this overwhelming sense of lack. It's a catch-22. I need food to substitute for my lack of love (that I'm denying myself), but I don't feel worth of food. So I eat, but I feel terribly guilty.

3) The guilt exacerbates and intensifies my sense of lack of love (because guilt is NOT love), and so now I need more love. I need more food, but now I have more guilt. So now I need even more food. But now I have even guilt...it's a vicious cycle, literally, because it was built on viciousness - denying oneself love isn't kind, it is vicious.

This is why substitutes for love don't work! They are based on the premise we didn't deserve love in the first place, and thus needed a substitute. But the substitute is doomed to failure because we won't feel we deserve that either. And now we're stealing what we didn't deserve in the first place. This means more guilt.

I like simplicity, so here is a simple way to look at anything in your life:

Let's say the root of any problem is a lack of love. The solution would be to supply the lack, to supply the love. So the only thing that could ever be lacking in any situation is LOVE.

You would never say, 'You know what we're lacking here people? Condemnation! Of Course! That's the missing link! More condemnation!

So it's important to be clear, condemnation is not love. Condemnation is not the solution - it doesn't supply the lack, it perpetuates the sense of lack. When you find yourself judging yourself in any number of different forms, if you then judge yourself for having judged yourself again, that would only continue the problem. The answer then would be to NOT judge yourself for judging yourself. This is what breaks the chain. And the way to do this is to look upon your judgement without trying to change it. Simply observe it.

If you try to change it, you're saying it's bad, and something must be done about it. THIS IS A JUDGEMENT! Instead, just observe it. 'Hey, look I just judged myself again. Interesting.' Not good, not bad, just interesting. Something to take note of. Something to notice. But not something to do anything with. As soon as you start to do anything with it, you're continuing it (judging) by having judged it. You are attacking your attack. This is not the way to end the attack. When you cease to attack your attack it will become less and less powerful until it holds little attraction for you.

This is a psychological circle that is hard to see, and most people don't which is why most people only reinforce their self-condemnation and presenting problems when the attack their attack. That's part of the psycho-dynamics behind why we do what we do, and hopefully this will help convince you what I'm talking about is not pop phychology. It's as deep down as it gets...guilt is the psychological experience of having denied ourselves love.

Another way of saying all of this is that the only problem is a lack of love, and once love is supplied the problem is solved. So love would be healing. Anything else would not be healing, and thus would be adding to the problem not the solution. You can't do this with a substitute, because the substitute isn't love, it's what you're using to psychologically appease the pain of the belief you're not worthy of love, and therefore protects the very premise, or cause, which is the sickness/problem.

Look at it like this: You have a headache because you're dehydrated from denying yourself water (love). So now you need something to offset the pain of lack of water (love). You take Tylenol (substitute) instead of giving yourself the water (love) that you need. The Tylenol seems to work, but only temporarily, because it only treats the symptoms. You're so busy taking the sustitute (tylenol) that you're not looking at the real problem - lack of water (lack of love). Soon the headache comes back but now it's even worse because you have gone longer without water and the problem has intensified. So now you need more Tylenol just to get by, but while you're doing that you're becoming even more dehydrated. This is why we need more and more food, or more and more of whatever substitute we're using. This is how people become addicted to anything - food, fame, drugs, alcohol, denial, victimhood, sickness, disempowerment, anger, sadness, hopelessness, new clothes, new furnishings, stamps, coins, cars, cats, self-help books, sex, career, tv watching, exercise, muscles, plastic surgery...you name it.

So, find a way around the obstacle, like a river running downhill. If you train your mind to look without judgement, eventually there won't even be an obstacle to go around. This is like Neo in the Matrix when he comes upon the little boy who is bending spoons...as Neo tries to bend the spoon with will power, the little boy tells him, 'do not try to bend the spoon. This is impossible. Instead, only try and realize the truth.'

Neo: 'What truth?'

Little boy: 'There is no spoon (obstacle) Then you'll see it is not the spoon that bends, only yourself.'

You will need to bend, or change the way you think, and in this instance that means changing the default position of your mind from judgement to non-judgement....the belief that there even is an obstacle, a problem to be judged (weight, eating, lack of self-control). Without judgement the problem will disappear. It seems impossible to your present thinking, but give the 'success' of your present thinking, you would want a solution outside your present system. This way of thinking is paradox, but that's why it works...because it's the complete opposite of that which doesn't work and has never worked.

Later in the movie, Neo is taught this same idea again:

Neo: 'What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets (obstacles)?'

Morpheus: 'No Neo. I'm telling you that when you're ready, you won't have to.'

Initally it means little to him. It's only later that, through patience, that he finally gets it, and it's the crescendo of the movie. 'Neo awakens.' Neo gets it. Neo is in charge. Where before he was a slave, he has learned to think differently. He remembers he's the boss. He's the puppet master. He's the cause.

At first he seems to aquire the ability to dodge the bullets at superhuman speed, or slow the bullets down, but ultimately he recognizes them as nothing. And then they simply drop to the floor in front of him. They could never harm him, he only thought they could.

The name Morpheus means change, or more precisely in the context of this movie: changing the way you think. Neo means new, or in the movie: a new way of thinking and perceiving. We're all Neos in need of a Morpheus.

♥ The kindest and most loving thing you can do for yourself now, while you still believe in bullets (overeating, shame, etc.) is to take measures to protect yourself. Dodge the bullets, put salve on your wounds. But all the while you are doing this, consider it a training program, and as much as you can, when you can, as often as you are willing, look at your present way of thinking and your present choices - the very premise and foundation upon which they are built - without judgement. Without the obstacle of judgement love will simply flow through your mind and extend out to everyone and everything you see. Eventually the bullets will fall to the floor in front of you. You will recognize that the power of choice, the power to love or condemn, is your own...and which one you want will surely become obvious.

Journal Entry #2

What is the best thing that has happened in your life?

I've had lots of great things happen in my life, so it's hard to narrow it down to just one. But for me a big one definitely would have to be Hayden. He has changed my life immensely and I know I would not be the same person without him. The second best thing that has ever happened to me was going to Snow and being involved with the mentoring program and learning all I did there. That made my quality of life drastically improve. I learned how to love myself again, work through my trials, and learned how to make my life continue to improve each and every day. It helped me discover my major, which is social work. It made me a better mom to Hayden. And I know I absolutely would not be able to deal with what I am going through without the knowledge I have.

Feel free to share what the best thing that happened in your life is in the comments.

Journal Entry #1

What are your top 5 values in life?

For me they are:
1) Being impeccable
2) Empathy
3) Love: for myself and others
4) Integrity
5) Gratitude

What are yours?

Attitude of Gratitude

Write 5 things each day that you are grateful for. Some days this will be really easy, and other days you will have to think really hard. But always search for those things you are grateful for because they are always there. Today was a challenging day for me to come up with 5 things. I found myself really searching, but I did find them. Please don't laugh at these, as silly or funny as they may seem. I really am grateful for them. And sometimes it's the simplest things that make life better.
1) I'm grateful for chapstick.
2) I am grateful for my trials, because they are giving me the opportunity to discover how strong I really am.
3) I am grateful for the strength I am finding to overcome my trials.
4) I’m grateful for crying, because it helps me release a lot of frustration when I am having a hard time.
5) I'm grateful for gum.
I am discovering again that it's all a matter of perspective sometimes. It really is how you choose to look at things each day that determine the quality of your life. I could be angry that I cried yet again today for probably the 10th time, or look at how crying is helping me release my unpleasant emotions. I could be angry that I have trials, or I can look at the strength I am drawing from those trials. Try this each day and discover the power that an attitude of gratitude can bring to your life.

New Goal for Posting

A few years ago for a retreat I taught a lesson about the importance of writing. It is very therapeutic, and can really release a lot of pent up thoughts and emotions. So part of my quest to have a better perspective on life is to start journaling. However, since I am feeling a lot of negative things right now, I'm not really sure I want to write about those. I need my focus to be on something else. I am going to post every day about an idea for a journal entry. There will be an entire month of these ideas, so if you need some inspiration check back each day to find a journal entry idea.